This is a HARD one

I am looking at my screen right now thinking am I really going to type this out?
I have been avoiding church lately. A friend of mine asked if I would be at church on Sunday and my first thought was nope not going this Sunday. Yes I went to church last Sunday only because I was in the toddler room helping. I was going regularly right up till I went to visit my parents in Fayetteville, NC back in middle of August. While I was there I did visit my old church which was great and I enjoyed it. When I got back though just the thought of going to church made me sick to my stomach.

I guess I need to give you the back store to all of this so you have a clue as to what is going on. In May I found out I was pregnant. I was sooo happy and so was Dean. When I took the pregnancy test and told him he had to tell everyone. For some reason I was more cautious this time and really didn't want him to tell anyone till I went to see the midwives to make sure I was pregnant and everything was OK. I don't know if it was because with the birth of our son Deano (Dean Jr.) I had pre-eclampsia  and a hard labor I was worried. Well i went to the midwives and Victoria said yes I was pregrant and I was 4 an 1/2 weeks pregnant. The baby's due date was Feb. 3,2012 I was thinking wow two kids in Feb.  She asked if I was having any pregnancy symptoms. I said yes I was tired all the time and the smell of meat bothered me. With Deano the smell of meat bothered me for along time. She told me most likely at 8 weeks it will get worse usually at that time the hormone levels are a lot higher. Well 6 weeks come no boobs tender, not feeling sick but I was still tired all the time. I kept telling myself everything is ok she said at 8 weeks it will all hit. Then for some reason I started to pray please God don't take this child from me. I never once when I was pregnant with Deano did this praying to keep him. I only prayed when we thought Deano might have spinal bifida which that turned out the test was wrong. No I take that back I did pray when I thought I could lose him when I was in labor. His labor I will write about another day. So like I said I started to pray to God please let me keep this baby and don't let anything happen to it. Then I started to pray even if there is something wrong with the baby its ok if it has spinal befida we can deal with that. Lord even if the child has down syndrome its ok there is nothing wrong with a  down syndrome child. I will take any child you give me and it doesn't matter what is wrong with them but please Lord don't take this child.Even if they only live for a short time. Just give me my child Lord. Well I am at 8 weeks nothing and I know that each pregnancy is different not everyone feels sick. I forgot to mention about 6 weeks I was blotting which they called old blood. They told me that its normal no big deal only if its new blood bright red and more than just blotting and cramping with it. Well July 2 we had friends over that night being a Saturday night so about 11pm they left to go home. I went to the bathroom and saw BRIGHT RED!! It was just blotting and no cramping. I didn't want to over react so I went on to bed and it stopped. That night I prayed to God please don't take this child, please don't let me have a miscarriage. If your trying to test my faith by taking this child please don't and please do it some other way. Well I got up the next morning Deano wasn't feeling to good and was running a fever so no church for us. We turned on the TV to watch cartoons and both of us fell back to sleep. I got up to use the bathroom thinking its maybe 9 since we get up at 7 every morning. I realize I am bleeding and its like a period and I start to have cramps. Oh no is all i could think God don't do this to me don't take my baby. Well its just Deano and me at the house and lucky he was still asleep. Dean at that time was working on Sundays. So I called the midwife on call and talked to her. I will never forget what she said" I am not sure if your having a miscarriage or not. If it is there is nothing that can be done. I am sorry.If its a start of one but you can go to the hospital and they can at least tell you something and give you some peace of mind . She was very nice on the phone with me. She asked if I was by myself while I was crying on the phone with her. I told her yes that my husband was at work but lucky I have family that lives about 10 min down the road. She said she was so sorry and wish she was there and told me to get right on the phone with them so I wouldn't be by myself. Deano lucky was still asleep while I was crying. So I called Dean's aunt and uncles house and lucky they were home. Josh Deans cousin answered the phone I knew if he was home  Bailee would be there since it was the weekend. Bailee is a childhood friend of mine that is getting married in December to Josh. I was trying not to cry while I told Bailee I thought I was having a miscarriage and that if she could watch Deano while Josh came and got me to take me to the hospital. After I got off the phone with them I called Dean and told him to meet us at the emergency room in Hendersonville he was an hour away from Hendersonville. About that time my friend Julie called to see what I was up to and I was crying and told  her what happened she said they would meet us at the emergency room. I told her that was not needed she said her and her husband Clint which is Deans BF would meet us their. I packed Deano's stuff got everything ready so when Josh got here we could go. I got up Deano got him ready not wanting to let him know something was wrong. So when Josh got there Bailee was with him but we were dropping off Deano with Cynthia and Randy Dean's aunt & uncle. So we drop of Deano at their house and start through all the traffic in Lake Lure since it was July 4th weekend it was bumper to bumper. I felt so sorry for Josh I could tell he was upset he was trying to get me to the hospital as fast as he could. I told him that it didn't matter how long it took to get there if I was having a miscarriage there is nothing that they can do to stop it at all. So I prayed and prayed  it felt like it took for ever to get to the hospital.  So we get to the emergency room Julie and Clint were already there. I sign in about 15 min later Dean shows up. I could tell he was really upset. I was trying to seem calm because I didn't want him to get more upset. Finally they take me into a room and this man  Doctor comes in checks me out saying yes there is some blood and that he can't tell if i am having a miscarriage. So they take some blood do  tests send me to ultrasound. The lady in ultrasound ask if I am there to look for a ectopic pregnancy known as tubal pregnancy. I said I had no clue they didn't tell us anything. She started look and had this look on her face. I look at the screen but ultrasounds are hard to read anyways at the beginning of a pregnancy but I was looking for a small peanut or something close to it. She said she was looking for a heartbeat and couldn't find one. She said I had a sac but couldn't see anything in it. Which could mean I was earlier than I thought. I was thinking wrong I am not earlier than I thought. So I go back into that room to wait till the Doctor to come he comes in saying he doesn't know if I am having a miscarriage since my levels where so high. He said it might be the start of one maybe or it could just stop. Also could be that I was pregnant had a miscarriage and got pregnant again. I knew that was not the case but I didn't say anything. I was to follow up with my midwife on Tuesday to check my hormone levels if they had went down then I was having one. Also in the mean time if the bleeding continued and cramping got worse than I was. I was thinking well no SH*T! I was mad when we left there I wanted a yes or no answer not well you might be we really not know yet great. Julie told me her and Clint were coming to stay the night to help with Deano. Which was a God send she came in and just took over which I needed. I started bleeding and cramping that night more but I still prayed God you can stop this please do make everything all right give me this baby. Stop trying to test me because I can't do it and I DON'T WANT TO DO IT I should not have to. So its July 4th we went to the boathouse which was nice and Deano needed for things to be as normal as possible. So July 5 the day we find out if I am having a miscarriage or if it has already happened. The start of how I hated Tuesdays for awhile. So the ultrasound shows the sac is collapsed I had started to have a miscarriage. I was to do the abortion pill to help it along to make sure everything passed so hopefully I wouldn't have a D&C. I was thinking great can it just not be over I have to help my miscarriage along. So I had to take 4 pills one every 4 hrs. Well take make my story short since its already along one Julie stayed that whole week to watch Deano. Then I had to do another round of pills that weekend since I didn't pass anything like a big clot. I guess I always thought miscarriages were fast but that isn't always true. So that Friday I sent Julie home and Dean's sister took Deano. On Sunday I picked up Deano from Sue Dean's mom that morning. Even though I was physically hurting I didn't want to go home it felt like my prison. It was 10 that morning and church started at 1035. Hmm I knew I didn't really want to go to church because only maybe 2 people knew. So the people that didn't would ask so are you happy, getting sick yet and how you feeling. I also knew if I didn't go to church I didn't know when I might be back because I was so mad at God. I didn't make it very far I was in Deano's toddler room and Beth who is also pregnant and has had 2 miscarriages. Asked " So how you feeling?" I just lost it I start to cry and she knew. I don't know how long I talked to her. Talking to her helped a little and I knew I wasn't alone in what I was feeling. So I hold it together while I am listening to Pastor Nate preach about I have no clue that day I wasn't really listening I was to mad at God. Always at the end they ask if you need anyone to pray with you for something there are people at the back. I try not to cry while I am walking to Michelle which is Pastor Nate's wife which she knew what was going on. While I was walking to her I can see people looking at me and I don't know what they are thinking but i hate when people see me cry. She prayed with me and it did help alot. She told me its ok to be mad at God he knows just keep talking to him. Also don't stop coming even though I might not want to come to church or even if it feels at times it doesn't help but it will over time.

     So after telling you everything here I am not wanting to go to church. Since that Sunday I cry most of the time while I am at church it seems that all the emotions I try to push away during the week hit me for some reason while I am at church. I don't want people to look at me and go what in the world is wrong with her she does this every Sunday. While I was in Fayetteville at my old church no crying not sad at all. I know I am still mad at God and I am trying to work through that. I know that's another reason why I don't want to go I don't want to hear how great he is. Don't get me wrong I know God is great but its hard to hear if that makes any sense. Also I know how blessed I am to have my son so please don't think I don't appreciate what I have I do.  I am also very blessed for the women God has put into my life at Breakthrough Church who know what I have been through because they have had a miscarriage most of them more than one. They are a great support system. Also at church there are a lot of women who are pregnant.  So the question is will I be at church on Sunday?? I know God is telling me I need it. I know there is a reason why I am feeling all that emotion at church because I am not trying to face it any other time I just trying to push it all to the side. I keep telling myself that I will just deal with it some other time and God I believe is saying deal with it NOW! Face it before it because a bigger problem. So I will be praying the rest of the week that God gives me that push Sunday to get to church and the strenght. It has taken me two hrs to write this because it was so hard to tell my story. WOW God just hit me in the head again(of course not really) he is telling me to hold still I am going to say this if you like it or not. I am listening to 106.9 light while some pastor preaches about bitter, unforgivens and the rath of unforgivens. He is talking how if we don't deal with it will effect everything in our life. The bitterness and anger that I have is keeping me from moving on. Wow this is a whole  topic for another day.